Maybe it’s worth adding some context…

The reason the trivial things really bother me is because I feel so under water by the shit that actually matters. Like the fact that we’re about to run out of money and I’m gonna have to lay off a team of 10 people who rely on this job for their livelihoods. I can’t even imagine what that weekly team meeting will sound like. “Hi everyone, today, instead of us sharing what everyone is working on, I have some bigger news to share. We’re shutting down. We’ll try to help you find a new job. It’s been a pleasure. Have a good life.” And nevermind the advisers and investors who believed in me and shared their time and money. And the thousands of customers, young and old, who love and use our product. (<- you read that and think we shouldn’t be running out of money. I agree. But the world is a much more complicated place than you’d think. More on fundraising and VC’s another time.)

Everyone’s on Drugs…

R and I have decided that everyone is on drugs. That may sound like an overstatement, but as founders of a start-up, we’ve literally seen it all. We’ve brought on people who seem like they can do the job only to find out they say crazy shit or do crazy shit. How is this happening??

The event that triggered this thought today is really very trivial. But when you’re managing a multi-million dollar company, you need the little/tiny/trivial things to go smoothly. Please at least let those things go smoothly. So you can focus on the real things that matter. And I don’t even mean the much bigger “BIG” picture things like strategy, your product, or god forbid your long-term vision. That would be amazing. I mean just the slightly bigger things like what changes can we make to the site to create a better experience.

Yes, bk to today’s trivial event. I feel silly sharing it with you. Partly because there’s no one reading this. And partly because it’s so silly! Here it is: Our PR agent asks to speak with our photographer for a private viewing party we have coming up. She would like to coordinate with him. We’ve never met this photographer; he’s affordable, seems decent, so we booked him. (We’re going bk on national TV for 15 minutes of primetime; I’m sure there will be more on that later.) Great, we connect her. Next email: She emails him, copies us, and says. “Thanks for your interest in [insert our company name]. How can I help you?” …..This is when we realized everyone is on drugs.

I really shouldn’t have to be monitoring something as silly as an interaction between our PR agent and photographer. This should go smoothly without my oversight.

Then I get a notification email from Google. Thanks Google, you rock. There’s a new press article up about our company. Great, fun, what is it? Some reporter decided to share our personal invite to the “private” viewing party for the whole public to see. She included all the details: place, time, etc. And listed the cost as free. Did I miss something? Since when do you publicly share a personal invite to a private event? Now we have to actually check people in and make sure we don’t end up with a clusterfuk at the event. Again, my real day hasn’t yet started. And there are these really silly, stupid things that need to be dealt with. Is the reporter on drugs too?

Okay I realize all this truly, and I mean truly, sounds like first world problems. They are. You’re absolutely right. If the first world would get off drugs, maybe the rest of the world would be better off…

Back to the grind.

xoxo

PS. It’s a few days later and I’d like to add to the list of people who may be on drugs: R’s counter lawyer, a reporter we just got off the phone with (she missed our interview appt and when we called to check on her, she didn’t know what we were talking about and said “I can’t hear you; maybe it’s because the Pope mobile is driving by” Then proceeded to give us a list of reasons why she’s been busy that included having a dinner party for John Walsh last night). I’ll keep adding others.

Here’s Why

Tonight I sat down to draw. I decided to hang out with george and write. But then I suddenly had the urge for smtg less “cerebral” than writing. So i craved my charcoal set. Then I remembered my mom had brought me a bunch of stuff from “home” that has since been sitting in our not-done-office for the past few months unpacked. I just KNEW she wld have packed my charcoal set in there. Flashback to childhood… or shall i say teenangehood. Flashback to late nights of me getting my hands dirty with a charcoal stick. Truth: I only did this a few times in my life. But each time it was late at night; I was up alone; and my hands got dirty in charcoal. And they were life-changing moments. Or I was going through life-changing phases. Either way, if life is about quality over quantity, then I’d say I’m allowed to make this sound a little more serious than it is through words so you’d get the point, so you’d understand how important those nights and memories are.

Which brings me bk to my point: Words. They are meaningful. But tonight I wanted to draw. I looked through the “stuff” and mom did indeed pack my charcoal set (thanks to R – a different R – for gifting them to me many years ago). I said hi to george, turned on my music (angus and julia stone station), and started looking through my drawing pads. Of course there were more flashbacks…many smiles…some tears…the mixed feeling of bittersweetness swept over me…but mostly sweetness…and finally after saying to george again, snapping a few photos, sending one to L, smiling some more, reminiscing some more… I turned to a blank sheet and got ready to begin.

I felt tired. I know. No surprise. This site is called ImAlreadyTired for a reason. I believe I already covered that in post one so I will refrain from trying to re-explain it (or even remember it fully… oh I remember why now cleary… anywaaay you already know why). I stared at the blank sheet and literally felt that pressure/emptiness/silence of a blank canvas. I looked around, charcoal stick in hand, searching for anything I could find. Nothing. A lollipop from a trip to the beach. I open it. Secretly hoping it will give me some inspiration. Non-secretly knowing it will make me look cool either way. Bacon flavored. Interesting. Not what I was hoping for. Hmmm, a bit too smoky for me. But it does feel good, look cool, all those good feelings that come with a lollipop. Except one important one. Ummm, the flavor sucked. What happened toย strawberry? watermelon? green apple? Ok, fine, I’d even settle for cherry or grape over bacon. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some bacon. But as a pop? Turns out it’s not for me. You live and learn. So it’s all good. But ummm, still no sign of anything to draw? Blank canvas keeps staring at me. Stop staring at me.

Maybe I should write? Maybe I could just write on it how I’m feeling. The thought comes to my mind. In that moment, I felt like writing seemed so much easier. Ironic considering the initial impetuous for wanting to draw was that it would be easier and less “cerebral”. And here I was suddenly craving the comfort of a keyboard against my fingers instead of a stick of charcoal.

That’s when you realize you have to keep going. I’m not a quitter. Challenges scare me. Not in the way they scare most people. I’m not afraid OF them. I’m afraid they exist at all. And here was a challenge: I wasn’t able to draw. So now what? I’ll tell you what. I’m not moving from this bed until I get some drawing done on this paper. That’s what. That’s how I deal with things that are scary. Shit. Is that a problem? Is it a bad thing to run in the direction of challenges instead of away from them?

Damn, I may have just uncovered smtg pretty fking important in my personality. And I did it for free. Saved myself some decent therapy budget. I shld probably think about what this epiphany implies about how I’m going through this journey called life but I’ll leave that for another time. Maybe someday when I re-read this. Will that be tmrw? In a few mins? In a week? Month? Years? Prob mins for typos, then who knows. ๐Ÿ™‚ Lezbe real. This bitch still likes to re-read most shit before she hits publish. Shit did I just out that I’m of the female gender? Ah gender… how I hate thee. I don’t hate thee. Just wish you didn’t exist, that’s all.

Oh but do I digress. Eventually I drew. It was ugly first, but then decent, then more and more satisfying. My fingers smudging, blending, creating. It felt good. It was so bad, it sorta made me laugh. So I titled it: Ha Ha.

Then I drew again. This time I wanted to try a new technique. White/Light against a sea of darkness. I used my fingerprints. I used the white stick. I dedicated it to the day. I titled it: 9/11/2015.

After I drew, I suddenly felt my head clear. No desire to write. No desire to use words. Words felt cerebral again. And that’s why…

IMG-20150911-WA0004 (1)

I have 8 mins…

I have 8 mins before my next call. With a reporter. Just had one with our PR agent. R is asking me why I seem unhappy. (I’m supposed to tell you who R is – sis/co-founder/the kid I raised when I was a kid) I dont really know why. Well I kinda do. I came in here this morning feeling super happy. I was jamming. I was jamming to Taylor Swift at home. Damn her, the music is catch. 1989 album is da bomb. Then I got in the car with N. Every once in a while i get to join her on her morning commute and she drops me off a few blocks from work. Makes my morning oh so much more enjoyable and more social. We were jamming to top 40 in there. <- top 40 sounds so uncool. But it was actually good shit. Watch me whip, watch me Nae Nae. ’nuff said. So why did i get unhappy? it started the moment R told me she was running late and to conference her into our 930a call. that shldnt be a big deal but for some reason it felt like one to me. maybe it was because i made an effort all morning to get in on time. it irked to keep taking the job so lightly. probably piled up from the time when she got bk from burning man this wk after labor day. thought she’d be in on tues. but she got in on the red eye, went home to take a nap, and met me at a work meeting at 530p. i know that shldnt be a huge deal either but i also got irked then. like duuuuude, we’re trying to run a business. you can’t just sleep through the day. plan better!! Or at least let me know ahead and clear it so we’re on the same page?

anywayz, the unhappiness started there. but then it got worse when our pr agent wasn’t being helpful. national media not going to pick up this story; it’s more for local. DUUUUUH, that’s because you’re not pitching them a good national fking story! “Start-up is going on national show.” oh yah, WSJ is def gonna wanna cover that. Super interesting. HELLLLLLOOO. Obviously not. Come up with better shit. “New national TV show gives America a glimpse into start-up life” “America: Obsessed with Tech and Start-ups – Catch the latest reality show craze”. Those ideas might suck but at least they have a fuking national chance!

That’s why i got unhappy. But possibly worse was R telling me to stop talking and what am I on today. She wrote me on the notepad during the talk “she’s not helpful. me and you have to talk”. basically she was trying to tell me “ain’t nobody gonna help us. we gotta prep our own press interviews and story angles. let’s hang up and use our time to do that”. I get it. she’s right. but we’re not gonna do it. we’ll prep. but we’re not gonna reach out to press. PLUS why am I paying someone to do that if i’m just gonna do it?! we need to start delegating more. we need to start telling people when they’re sucking. otherwise, nothing is going to get done.

So annnnywayz… i had other things i was gonna talk to you about today but let’s just kick it off with that one.

I’m also gonna try to go bk and add a couple of photos to these posts. a picture tells a thousand words…

R is jumping on the call with reporter. I’m bailing for you. Good for us to do things alone sometimes. She’s a little irked that she’s doing the call alone but I think it’s good for her.

xo <- I sound like gossip girl. lol.

I just had to

It’s day two. It’s late. I’m tired. <- Not to be confused with “I’m already tired”. The awesome name of this place. ๐Ÿ˜‰ But I had to check in and write something.

I’d like to write more. Today I felt like taking a year off and writing. I just feel like I have so much to say. About nothing in particular and about everything…

The garage door just opened. Which means this second dimension that I’m in is officially slowly ending…

I’ll write more tmrw.

I had a massage tonight. 90 mins. I rarely ever schedule my own message. But today I really needed it. That should give you a sense of how badly my back hurt. Scoliosis. Slowly going to get worse in life, I know it. Need to do more for it. Then again I technically didn’t schedule tonight. R did. You’ll learn about R in another post. I didn’t schedule it but saying I wld still counts as a step towards expressing my “needs” more… ๐Ÿ˜‰ <- That’s the latest from my sessions. More on those sessions another time.

Today I told a couple of people about this place and I started thinking that I may someday share it. But I just realized now that the thought alone is already inhibiting me. So we’re going bk to this place being MINE and MINE ALONE. So fukkkk it. I can write whatever the fuk I want!

Phew. That feels better already.

xoxo

That moment from yesterday

Right, I said I wld elaborate on that moment. Didn’t want to leave “you” hanging. So here it is quickly, awfully, and we’re never gonna talk about it again…

Yesterday I was in an uber to work. So that means I was either running late or holding heavy shit. In this case, late holding heavy shit. The driver was being a little nuts going in the under pass so I thought maybe i shld put my seat belt on. then i thought it wldnt be so bad if we got into an accident because i wldnt have to go to work. <- awful feeling #1. Then i thought woooaw that’s a crazy thought. u really meant just a small accident. ummm, no doesn’t have to be toooo small. it’s ok if it’s one that gets me in the hospital and out of work for a couple of weeks. wooooaw. that’s nuts. you’d rather be incapacitated for two weeks and have everyone worried than go to work? the work you fuking built??? ummm. this is a scary thought. so let’s just stop it now.

Last week there was a photo released of a boy who drowned trying to leave Syria. Extremely sad. If i think of it too much, i’ll start crying. i also was thinking this morning that we escaped on a boat when i was his age, 5/6. How am I here now? How does someone go through so much change in one lifetime and survive to know him/her self?

ALso this week, my mom lost her uncle. Older uncle but still a soul she loved deeply. And even worse, my brother in law lost his cousin. Heart attack at 42 while playing soccer. Leaves behind a wife and kids. The world is not even safe enough to play soccer anymore. Play is where I escape. I can’t even play without worrying. Oh and this wkend at the beach house, L told me a little boy drowned in NY on the beach. Even with a ton of lifeguards. That mom took her kids to the beach one day, it was a happy day, and didn’t come bk with her son.

You get the idea. Life this week has been a little extra emotional. And here I am having this most awful thought when people are really experiencing tragedy. This is bad. Smtg is seriously off here. I need a new life perspective. And asap.

xo

And so it begins…

I was walking to work this morning and was writing thoughts in my head as I usually do. I suppose I was also just “thinking” some of them, but the good ones get re-thought and ultimately “written”… ๐Ÿ˜‰ I write them as though someone is listening, but of course deep down I know I’ll never actually post them anywhere and no one will see them. On the other hand, I have this feeling that everything we’re thinking is being processed somewhere. Call it big data. Call it telepathy. Call it God. Whatever it is, I like to think a lot of my thoughts are received by someone somewhere. And there have been enough instances in life to prove that to me that I don’t question it much anymore. So I just keep thinking and keep writing and keep throwing all the thoughts out into the universe, also known as my head.

Today I came into work and wanted to do more than keep it all in my head. I felt the urge to really get it out. I went on Twitter and decided it would be a new day for me, a day when I would begin to SHARE. Right as I was about to share smtg fairly silly but meaningful to me in the moment, I felt that usual feeling that takes over and the thoughts began to roll in as they always do… “Are you ready to really start sharing? Are you really ready to be open? Today you’re having a positive thought, you’re feeling happy, will you also share those moments when you feel awful, like the moment you had yesterday (more on that later)?” I realized the short answer was no. Then I told myself in my very techie CEO way: “You should know better. Twitter is not the forum for this kind of sharing. Facebook is.” Close that window. Open a new tab (I realize I could have just used the same tab but I needed cleansing). Launch FB. Accept friend request. Comment to friend that it was great to see her this wkend? No, do not digress. Stay focused. Any second you’ll start thinking of work, someone will walk into the office, and you’ll drop all this. Every moment is precious. Stay FOCUSED. But what about all the “colleagues” I have on FB? Was I ready to open up to them? Sure, the love from friends will be great and me sharing more might makes those “friendships” grow, but what about all the other lurkers? I need something anonymous. A place where I can be free to express the good and the bad, and perhaps more importantly for this perfectionist, a place where I can make mistakes. What kind of mistakes you might ask? Stupid ones. Typos. Bad sentence structure. Rambling. Saying uninteresting things. Just letting it ALL out unfiltered. Last time I did this? Funny you might ask…

There’s only one other time in my life that I recall really letting go of my perfectionist nature. My friends L and C were in town. Love when they visit. We went with N (my significant other; i know pretty lucky I have one ๐Ÿ™‚ to a ceramics place. Those are always so much fun. It was BYOB so naturally we brought a bottle of champagne/prosecco/bubbles. And I’m pretty sure we said hi to George before. (George is my really good friend. He was named after George Washington. He’s green…). We were going to make a mosaic. Everyone first had to pick out their wooden piece. I chose a trivet. Why? Well it was the easiest surface I cld choose, a plain square, but it had functionality. You’ll come to notice I love creative things but especially if they can be functional. L and C chose picture frames and N a clock. Both too complicated for where I was at that night. We then picked out our pieces. And everyone started the plotting. Matching colors for their designs, matching texture, matching types of glass/material, deciding on who they might give it to, what design they shld make, etc. For the first time in my life, i decided i wasn’t going to think. I was just going to start gluing. I may have had one second of hesitation but it was basically inaudible and I dived right in. I kept gluing until we were out of time. L&C finished their frames the next morning. N took another year to finish her rainbow. And mine was done on the spot. It sits on our dining table and everytime someone sees it they love it as much as if I had stressed and plotted the design if not more. I’ll take a picture so you can see it. Because lezie be honest, pictures speak a thousand words.

Okay I’m getting tired of writing. So prob time to quit. I chose that domain by the way because i tried a lot of other words and they were all taken and i was getting tired of having to make this other decision (i tried “makeanotherdecision.wordpress.com” but it seemed long).

What happened this morning that prompted all this? SUPER silly thought. I got starbucks. i rarely do but the bus had passed. i ordered a ham and cheese turnover. didnt know they had those. (btw i stopped capitalizing the first word and it feels good; all part of letting go ;). they were out of ham and cheese and the barista offered me a spinach one. i asked if it had cheese? she hesitated but the guy next to her said it did so spinach it was. i later looked at the sign in the window and it didn’t say cheese. i think starbucks knows better than to not say it has cheese if it does. so i probably wldnt get my morning fix of cheese (i’m addicted…. no, like really) but hopefully id survive. I went to pay and she winked at me and said she didn’t charge me the $4 for the turnover, just for my black iced tea with one pump of raspberry light ice. I smiled and thanked her. When was the last time a barista a starbucks (let’s be honest, her “power” is prob limited) decided to not charge someone? I got on the bus, my card was out of money, i sat down, feeling stressed (as i had been all morning) by what I was going to do with my/our company. No one can afford it. We designed an awesome product that no one is willing to pay for. Silly us. Oh and what was I thinking designing products for kids? I can’t even tell if I’m addressing them or the person who paid for it! Even though we ask for the kids name on orders, not everyone puts it. Annnnyway, then i saw someone holding a starbucks coffee and thought: but wait, i bet no one thought starbucks was a VC-worthy-unicorn-making business! and yet look at howard changing the world and sitting on a pile of cash. it gave me hope. Just because no one else sees it, we can get there. we can build a cool brand. we can desing an expensive product that people end up paying for. but wait, why are people paying so much for starbucks? when it became popular, we all made fun of how expensive it is and no one thought it wld really “stick” and yet it has. why? i remember the case from undergrad. it was all because of the “experience”. people needed coffee shops to sit at, ponder life, “work”, stare at other people. so all we had to do is figure out how to deliver an “experience” worth paying for.

ok there were a gazillion other thoughts but i’ll spare you for today. i’m wayyyy over the 500 word limit recommended for blog posts. the good thing is we dont give a shit because no one will ever read these. :))) AMAZING FEELING! Except that “person” who gets all my thoughts ;)))) Hi teta ๐Ÿ™‚

Ok off to work. Eeeeek….

xo