Today

More like last night. I don’t really want to write this one. I don’t really know how to think through it. But I’ll try.

Last night, we had a halloween party. I happen to love halloween. as a kid, we used to meet up with friends who lived in neighborhoods with houses and we’d go trick or treating til it got dark and we had a huge trash bag full of candy. or at least it felt that big to me as a kid. we lived in a small apartment in the city so it was foreign to go to people’s “houses”. when id get bk home, id dump the bag upside down on my bed and look at the mound of candy. oh how high it looked. for the next few months, id eat out of the bag. halloween was fun.

as i got older, i lost sight of it. halloween goes through an akward stage in the tween/teen years. it wasn’t until college that i rediscovered it, thanks to my roommate and bff K. In college, halloween is reborn. parties. costumes. drunkeness. an excuse to be someone else. an excuse to get sexy. an excuse to have a long night of fun. after college, the tradition only got bigger. i made money. i cld afford real shit, not just homemade costumes. my roommate L and I was on the same page. one year, we dressed up as roxie hart and velma from chicago. we ordered $300 flapper dresses from california. $60 wigs. $100 shoes. shit was real. and boy did we look good.

N doesn’t really care for halloween. last year we had a party at our place. it was the first time i got to bring friends together and really celebrate the night. in the past, we get dressed up and have no where to go. halloween is one of those weird “holidays” where you have to meet up with friends. you cant just go out. Friends are the only ones who can appreciate your costume, how different you look, your labor of love. One year in college we got dressed up and sat on the side of the street waving people down. beceause we had no where to go. but we still got dressed up. so now that we live in a house, i loved that we cld have a party again. L was going to come down from NY to keep the tradition of taking halloween seriously.

anyway, ive really digressed. because this post was supposed to be about how I dont defend N enough. at least thats what she tells me. a week ago, after asking for weeks if we wld have a party and n giving me a hard time about it, we finally decided to do a small “pre-game” get-together so people wld leave at a certain time. it was sort of my compromise to N. of course by the time we came up with this and told people, there weren’t that many who cld make it. so already i felt like my halloween was doomed.

this isn’t feeling productive. it isn’t helping me make sense of things. Last night, N wanted to “control” the music. she wanted to make sure L and r didnt play their own music. apparently all these years in the past when they’ve played music for us, she wanted to do it. who the fuk knew?? who the fuk knew that N liked to create playlists and manage music at parties? ive never been one to give a shit who plays the music as long as it sounds decently fine to me. last night she played old school hip hop for over an hour. it was fun but got old. no pun intended. so i asked if she cld switch it to smtg more modern, i.e. less than 15 yrs old. cld i plug in my phone to play L’s playlist? No, for tonight, N had decided she wld control the music. she gave me some spiel about it being our house and how she wanted to “control” it all night. Ok, well can you change it to smtg more modern and upbeat? People look bored and are get swallowed by the couch. Is this what YOU want or want L want huh?? Really?? We’re going to make smtg as silly as music about some beef you have with L not giving you enough attention?

N feels left out by L and r. so every single encounter with them (and there are many because we’re talking about my best friend and my sister & co-founder (read: daily interactions, thankfully)), i spend the time before, during, and after worrying. it sucks. this is another one of those nights where N is going to make things about that. i decide i cant live my life like this. always worrying about my partner. so for this reason, im not sure im cut out to be in relationships. i dont know how to communicate this without seeming  fatalistic or dramatic. truth is i dont want to cave on this pt, i see it as being symbolic of a bigger issue. and she sees me as being selfish for not giving in on smtg as silly as controling music. note: i dont get why people are so crazy about who plays music at a party, cant we all just share??? 15 mins of yours. 15 of mine. and so on. what’s wrong with allowing our guests to plug in for a bit? apparently i’m wrong. it’s her house, all she’s asking for is to play the music.

leaving you hanging today because as i said, i got nothing…

xo

It’s been a rough couple of weeks

I’m laying on my bed. I shouldn’t be typing. It’s bad for my neck. I’m too tired to sit up. Plus it will only be worse for my neck to look down at my lap. Now you know why this site is called what it is. Tired is a theme in my life. One time someone asked N what my hobbies were, and she said I liked laying down. Yup. I do. One time I realized part of the reason why. I have scoliosis and my back hurts sitting up. Maybe that’s an excuse. But I preferred to think of as insight into one of my quirks. Can you imagine how many of our little quirks, nuances, pet peeves, preferences, etc., are explained by our biology? Wouldn’t it be nice if we stopped blaming ourselves and each other for them? “Mom, it’s not that I don’t like green vegetables, it’s that TO ME they taste like shit and my body doesn’t want them! I know it’s supposed to, but it just doesn’t.”

Okay I sat up a little because truth is I have a lot to get done in this one writing session. As you can see I’ve been gone for a while. I have no clue when I last wrote so I can’t really “update” you but I can speak to the last few weeks, and to today. If I get to it. Hoping I do because I cld use the therapy.

Last week:

  • R flies from Cali to Boston for meetings. Night before he travels, he tells me he thinks he might have a blood clot because his leg hurts. We write it off to muscular pain from a workout. Why else would a young active guy like him who barely travels have a blood cot? He gets to Boston, ends up at the hospital, turns out he does have a bloodclot. No news since then. Just that he’s make it bk home to Cali and refuses to follow up with his doctor as instructed to find out the cause of the clot. He’s on rat poison meds. He has a hole in his heart and is at higher risk of stroke. So it’s pretty easy to be worried about him but he doesn’t let you be, which is beyond frustrating.
  • Teta, aka grandma, is sick. Kidney is failing. Dad is going to fly to lebanon to see her. Shit. Shld I go too? Brings a flood of emotions about how my own grandma barely knows me. Doesn’t know about my engagement. Likely never will. The only grandma I’ve really ever known will never really be my grandma. It’s sad. It’s confusing. I don’t know how to process the potential loss. And more importantly, I don’t know how to deal with the present. Should I go and try to see her while I still can? Will I go to the funeral if she passes? Who cares, she’s here now. I could go see her now. Instead I’m wondering about the funeral. The whole thing is beyond confusing and I can’t begin to decipher my feelings, or the ones my dad must be feeling, having kids his mom barely knows. The often non-discussed life of an immigrant.
  • My mom fell in a grocery store a month ago and fractured two of her vertebras. They’re not healing. Doc says she can do a surgery where she injects cement into the fracture. Usually works but occasionally the cement wanders to other parts of your body that it shldn’t to, like your heart. Full anestesia. My mom is in so much pain that I have no choice but to take the risks and support her. We get r (little r, not big R) to jump a 6am flight to go be with her during the surgery. That means double the workload for me on top of the worrying about my mom.
  • I leave my purse on a bus. With everything in it. 5 days later it gets recovered. Miracle. Nothing missing. Things are looking up… Good humans still exist.
  • We find out N is pregnant. HOLY SHIT. I’m excited. Scared too. Miscarriages are still 25% at this early stage so we wait anxiously not knowing if we’re allowed to be happy just yet. Not knowing how the baby will be received by our families. Feeling excited yet confused because I will be a parent but the baby is not OF me.
  • D (related to R and r) finds my 8-yr old nephew doing smtg totally inappropriate. He’s been having nightmares for weeks and can’t sleep. We begin to highly suspect he’s been molested in the past. It conjures up all kinds of emotions for R, who’s been there before and never really dealt with it. We’re freaking out and not sure how to handle the situation. The internet is scary people, a place that can feed children’s curiosity in not the most naturally evolving way. Use PARENTAL CONTROLS. HELLLLO.

Anyway it’s been a rough week. But I’d like to explore today next…