Not having my wedding in a church
Not having my entire family at the wedding
Not being able to have my entire family at the wedding because almost every single one of them doesn’t know the real me and doesn’t even know I’m getting married
Not being able to have the wedding in Lebanon
Not being with someone who understands my native tongue
No bridesmaids, no maid of honor/best man, no dance with dad, no traditions
Not being able to publicly announce our engagement
Knowing my parents, the people who are supposed to love you most, aren’t happy about my wedding
Not being married when we have our first baby
Having the stress of caring for a baby at our wedding
Having a baby in life that is not even OF me
My head hurts. You get the idea. Even if you never grew up imagining or dreaming about the perfect wedding, you had SOME vision and SOME truths about your life. When you go and suddenly take away even the most fundamental of those things, there is nothing left to hold onto. It’s normal to want to hold onto SOMEthing. You can only endure so much change and unexpectedness in one lifetime. Nevermind that the change all happens in just a few years of that lifetime. It’s a lot to absorb. Is there any joy left behind? Is there any excitement left? Is there anything left that reminds you of who you are? who you were? You don’t even know what’s you anymore.
And then you wonder why you sometimes feel overwhelmed…
And then you wonder why you sometimes fight or have limited capacity for small changes…
The mourning phase continues.
Will it ever end?