I have 8 mins before my next call. With a reporter. Just had one with our PR agent. R is asking me why I seem unhappy. (I’m supposed to tell you who R is – sis/co-founder/the kid I raised when I was a kid) I dont really know why. Well I kinda do. I came in here this morning feeling super happy. I was jamming. I was jamming to Taylor Swift at home. Damn her, the music is catch. 1989 album is da bomb. Then I got in the car with N. Every once in a while i get to join her on her morning commute and she drops me off a few blocks from work. Makes my morning oh so much more enjoyable and more social. We were jamming to top 40 in there. <- top 40 sounds so uncool. But it was actually good shit. Watch me whip, watch me Nae Nae. ’nuff said. So why did i get unhappy? it started the moment R told me she was running late and to conference her into our 930a call. that shldnt be a big deal but for some reason it felt like one to me. maybe it was because i made an effort all morning to get in on time. it irked to keep taking the job so lightly. probably piled up from the time when she got bk from burning man this wk after labor day. thought she’d be in on tues. but she got in on the red eye, went home to take a nap, and met me at a work meeting at 530p. i know that shldnt be a huge deal either but i also got irked then. like duuuuude, we’re trying to run a business. you can’t just sleep through the day. plan better!! Or at least let me know ahead and clear it so we’re on the same page?
anywayz, the unhappiness started there. but then it got worse when our pr agent wasn’t being helpful. national media not going to pick up this story; it’s more for local. DUUUUUH, that’s because you’re not pitching them a good national fking story! “Start-up is going on national show.” oh yah, WSJ is def gonna wanna cover that. Super interesting. HELLLLLLOOO. Obviously not. Come up with better shit. “New national TV show gives America a glimpse into start-up life” “America: Obsessed with Tech and Start-ups – Catch the latest reality show craze”. Those ideas might suck but at least they have a fuking national chance!
That’s why i got unhappy. But possibly worse was R telling me to stop talking and what am I on today. She wrote me on the notepad during the talk “she’s not helpful. me and you have to talk”. basically she was trying to tell me “ain’t nobody gonna help us. we gotta prep our own press interviews and story angles. let’s hang up and use our time to do that”. I get it. she’s right. but we’re not gonna do it. we’ll prep. but we’re not gonna reach out to press. PLUS why am I paying someone to do that if i’m just gonna do it?! we need to start delegating more. we need to start telling people when they’re sucking. otherwise, nothing is going to get done.
So annnnywayz… i had other things i was gonna talk to you about today but let’s just kick it off with that one.
I’m also gonna try to go bk and add a couple of photos to these posts. a picture tells a thousand words…
R is jumping on the call with reporter. I’m bailing for you. Good for us to do things alone sometimes. She’s a little irked that she’s doing the call alone but I think it’s good for her.
xo <- I sound like gossip girl. lol.
It’s day two. It’s late. I’m tired. <- Not to be confused with “I’m already tired”. The awesome name of this place. 😉 But I had to check in and write something.
I’d like to write more. Today I felt like taking a year off and writing. I just feel like I have so much to say. About nothing in particular and about everything…
The garage door just opened. Which means this second dimension that I’m in is officially slowly ending…
I’ll write more tmrw.
I had a massage tonight. 90 mins. I rarely ever schedule my own message. But today I really needed it. That should give you a sense of how badly my back hurt. Scoliosis. Slowly going to get worse in life, I know it. Need to do more for it. Then again I technically didn’t schedule tonight. R did. You’ll learn about R in another post. I didn’t schedule it but saying I wld still counts as a step towards expressing my “needs” more… 😉 <- That’s the latest from my sessions. More on those sessions another time.
Today I told a couple of people about this place and I started thinking that I may someday share it. But I just realized now that the thought alone is already inhibiting me. So we’re going bk to this place being MINE and MINE ALONE. So fukkkk it. I can write whatever the fuk I want!
Phew. That feels better already.
Right, I said I wld elaborate on that moment. Didn’t want to leave “you” hanging. So here it is quickly, awfully, and we’re never gonna talk about it again…
Yesterday I was in an uber to work. So that means I was either running late or holding heavy shit. In this case, late holding heavy shit. The driver was being a little nuts going in the under pass so I thought maybe i shld put my seat belt on. then i thought it wldnt be so bad if we got into an accident because i wldnt have to go to work. <- awful feeling #1. Then i thought woooaw that’s a crazy thought. u really meant just a small accident. ummm, no doesn’t have to be toooo small. it’s ok if it’s one that gets me in the hospital and out of work for a couple of weeks. wooooaw. that’s nuts. you’d rather be incapacitated for two weeks and have everyone worried than go to work? the work you fuking built??? ummm. this is a scary thought. so let’s just stop it now.
Last week there was a photo released of a boy who drowned trying to leave Syria. Extremely sad. If i think of it too much, i’ll start crying. i also was thinking this morning that we escaped on a boat when i was his age, 5/6. How am I here now? How does someone go through so much change in one lifetime and survive to know him/her self?
ALso this week, my mom lost her uncle. Older uncle but still a soul she loved deeply. And even worse, my brother in law lost his cousin. Heart attack at 42 while playing soccer. Leaves behind a wife and kids. The world is not even safe enough to play soccer anymore. Play is where I escape. I can’t even play without worrying. Oh and this wkend at the beach house, L told me a little boy drowned in NY on the beach. Even with a ton of lifeguards. That mom took her kids to the beach one day, it was a happy day, and didn’t come bk with her son.
You get the idea. Life this week has been a little extra emotional. And here I am having this most awful thought when people are really experiencing tragedy. This is bad. Smtg is seriously off here. I need a new life perspective. And asap.
I was walking to work this morning and was writing thoughts in my head as I usually do. I suppose I was also just “thinking” some of them, but the good ones get re-thought and ultimately “written”… 😉 I write them as though someone is listening, but of course deep down I know I’ll never actually post them anywhere and no one will see them. On the other hand, I have this feeling that everything we’re thinking is being processed somewhere. Call it big data. Call it telepathy. Call it God. Whatever it is, I like to think a lot of my thoughts are received by someone somewhere. And there have been enough instances in life to prove that to me that I don’t question it much anymore. So I just keep thinking and keep writing and keep throwing all the thoughts out into the universe, also known as my head.
Today I came into work and wanted to do more than keep it all in my head. I felt the urge to really get it out. I went on Twitter and decided it would be a new day for me, a day when I would begin to SHARE. Right as I was about to share smtg fairly silly but meaningful to me in the moment, I felt that usual feeling that takes over and the thoughts began to roll in as they always do… “Are you ready to really start sharing? Are you really ready to be open? Today you’re having a positive thought, you’re feeling happy, will you also share those moments when you feel awful, like the moment you had yesterday (more on that later)?” I realized the short answer was no. Then I told myself in my very techie CEO way: “You should know better. Twitter is not the forum for this kind of sharing. Facebook is.” Close that window. Open a new tab (I realize I could have just used the same tab but I needed cleansing). Launch FB. Accept friend request. Comment to friend that it was great to see her this wkend? No, do not digress. Stay focused. Any second you’ll start thinking of work, someone will walk into the office, and you’ll drop all this. Every moment is precious. Stay FOCUSED. But what about all the “colleagues” I have on FB? Was I ready to open up to them? Sure, the love from friends will be great and me sharing more might makes those “friendships” grow, but what about all the other lurkers? I need something anonymous. A place where I can be free to express the good and the bad, and perhaps more importantly for this perfectionist, a place where I can make mistakes. What kind of mistakes you might ask? Stupid ones. Typos. Bad sentence structure. Rambling. Saying uninteresting things. Just letting it ALL out unfiltered. Last time I did this? Funny you might ask…
There’s only one other time in my life that I recall really letting go of my perfectionist nature. My friends L and C were in town. Love when they visit. We went with N (my significant other; i know pretty lucky I have one 🙂 to a ceramics place. Those are always so much fun. It was BYOB so naturally we brought a bottle of champagne/prosecco/bubbles. And I’m pretty sure we said hi to George before. (George is my really good friend. He was named after George Washington. He’s green…). We were going to make a mosaic. Everyone first had to pick out their wooden piece. I chose a trivet. Why? Well it was the easiest surface I cld choose, a plain square, but it had functionality. You’ll come to notice I love creative things but especially if they can be functional. L and C chose picture frames and N a clock. Both too complicated for where I was at that night. We then picked out our pieces. And everyone started the plotting. Matching colors for their designs, matching texture, matching types of glass/material, deciding on who they might give it to, what design they shld make, etc. For the first time in my life, i decided i wasn’t going to think. I was just going to start gluing. I may have had one second of hesitation but it was basically inaudible and I dived right in. I kept gluing until we were out of time. L&C finished their frames the next morning. N took another year to finish her rainbow. And mine was done on the spot. It sits on our dining table and everytime someone sees it they love it as much as if I had stressed and plotted the design if not more. I’ll take a picture so you can see it. Because lezie be honest, pictures speak a thousand words.
Okay I’m getting tired of writing. So prob time to quit. I chose that domain by the way because i tried a lot of other words and they were all taken and i was getting tired of having to make this other decision (i tried “makeanotherdecision.wordpress.com” but it seemed long).
What happened this morning that prompted all this? SUPER silly thought. I got starbucks. i rarely do but the bus had passed. i ordered a ham and cheese turnover. didnt know they had those. (btw i stopped capitalizing the first word and it feels good; all part of letting go ;). they were out of ham and cheese and the barista offered me a spinach one. i asked if it had cheese? she hesitated but the guy next to her said it did so spinach it was. i later looked at the sign in the window and it didn’t say cheese. i think starbucks knows better than to not say it has cheese if it does. so i probably wldnt get my morning fix of cheese (i’m addicted…. no, like really) but hopefully id survive. I went to pay and she winked at me and said she didn’t charge me the $4 for the turnover, just for my black iced tea with one pump of raspberry light ice. I smiled and thanked her. When was the last time a barista a starbucks (let’s be honest, her “power” is prob limited) decided to not charge someone? I got on the bus, my card was out of money, i sat down, feeling stressed (as i had been all morning) by what I was going to do with my/our company. No one can afford it. We designed an awesome product that no one is willing to pay for. Silly us. Oh and what was I thinking designing products for kids? I can’t even tell if I’m addressing them or the person who paid for it! Even though we ask for the kids name on orders, not everyone puts it. Annnnyway, then i saw someone holding a starbucks coffee and thought: but wait, i bet no one thought starbucks was a VC-worthy-unicorn-making business! and yet look at howard changing the world and sitting on a pile of cash. it gave me hope. Just because no one else sees it, we can get there. we can build a cool brand. we can desing an expensive product that people end up paying for. but wait, why are people paying so much for starbucks? when it became popular, we all made fun of how expensive it is and no one thought it wld really “stick” and yet it has. why? i remember the case from undergrad. it was all because of the “experience”. people needed coffee shops to sit at, ponder life, “work”, stare at other people. so all we had to do is figure out how to deliver an “experience” worth paying for.
ok there were a gazillion other thoughts but i’ll spare you for today. i’m wayyyy over the 500 word limit recommended for blog posts. the good thing is we dont give a shit because no one will ever read these. :))) AMAZING FEELING! Except that “person” who gets all my thoughts ;)))) Hi teta 🙂
Ok off to work. Eeeeek….